Oh what fun!!!

Lets see. I'm likely to find out tomorrow what is going on with my plant and my job. I'm already getting myself set up to try and get into something else in the area. If that falls through I have some ideas of areas that I'm wanting to look towards.

Girls are really frustrating. I'll hopefully have a little more info tomorrow. She had a friend come in tonight and went out with him/her (not sure which, or what kind of friend). I guess I'll see how she acts toward me tomorrow before she leaves for the weekend once again.

Something in my life needs to change so I can relax and lessen my general worry about life.

Not really sure what to do

My usual 2 topics:

1. Girl. I'm really having issues reading her now. It was easy at first, but now I'm just not sure and so I worry and wonder. I'm trying to stop, but its me, I worry.

1b. Girls in general. Why is it that they seem to drop back just when things are starting to get where they may be good. Everyone is so worried about being hurt that they ignore something that may or may not be real just because of what might NOT be. *yes, I realize that a lot of this is stuff I have done also, but the last few girls I've gone out with have fallen into this group right after things start to get going really well*

2. Work. I found out at the end of the day that tomorrow is a high level meeting at our corporate offices about what to do with us. And by "what to do with us" they mean if we should be closed and who can take our business with the least problems. We are likely to be closed by Christmas. Who has a job for me.

Remember that happiness I had last week. Its very quickly going far far away.

Shitty day (updated when it got better)

I can't explain it, but today has been just a god awful shitty day. Nothing specific has gone truly "wrong", but I have been on edge and generally missing myself all day.

I went to a movie by myself. I've been doing that way too much lately. Pirates. Not a bad movie, but very long.

I actually would have rather worked today. I've been lonely all weekend. I've been over thinking the new girl thing. I've been over thinking the job thing. All and all, I've been mentally and emotionally wearing myself out.

No news on the job stuff.

No news on the girl stuff other than now its been 3 full days since we've been in touch. This sucks.

I'm just generally in a bad mood. I need one of 3 things, a big heartfelt hug (maybe a kiss along with it), to get laid, or a swift kick in the ass to tell me to just live and stop worrying about everything. I doubt I'll get any of them any time soon.

I just want to get back to being happy like I was a week ago.

*update...new girl called me when she got back tonight, assured me that I didn't screw everything up, and depending on work we are going out tomorrow night. I hate to admit it, but this made my evening.

Reset

I had myself a bit of a freak out. It was somewhat alcohol fueled, but a valid concern non the less. Basically I'm in a holding pattern on whether or not I will have a job in 2 weeks. I've also quite possibly screw it up with the new girl, as well as probably insulted an old girl/friend. All and all, I've had a bit of a rough last few days.

I did end up in a suite for the Indy 500 today, which was pretty cool. I'd never been before, and when I was given the opportunity I figured I should try it at least once. When the rain came and I sobered up, I once again realiezed that car racing is not a sport and is boring as hell, but damn are those things fast and loud.

Going on 2 days without speaking to the girl. We'll see if she calls me tomorrow, or more preferably, if she comes over or invites me over tomorrow when she gets back. I'm expecting only a call at best, but stranger things have happened. I'm going to be making an effort to not over think and over worry about everything, but we'll see how it goes. I'm sure I'll have my neurotic moments, hopefully I'll find someone that can deal with them.

The expected crash

*Disclaimer* I've been drinking slightly with my bosses...

As expected, everything that was going well a few days ago has come crashing down.

The important thing (to me anyway) is that I may have screwed things up with the new girl. I made a joking comment, since she was going out of town, that I would play the part of the boyfriend and wish her to be safe and let me know she got there ok. She responded (through text message) questioning my choice of terms to use boyfriend. I've appologized a few times stating it to be a smart ass comment, she responded with "no worries", but still I'm a little worried that I've freaked her out thinking I'm moving too fast (only 2-3 weeks of dating). I really don't want that. We'll see how things go when she gets back.

My job is also in jeopardy. Not the promotion, my job. The stupid fucks in our plant voted against a contract from the new company. I was drinking with my bosses, and they are concerned. This obviously concerns me greatly.

Fuck, I knew it was too good to be true that things might have actually been going well for me...

Burning out already?

So...The new girl is gonna be gone from tomorrow night after she gets off work until Monday late. The following weekend she is gone from Friday evening until Monday late. She is very stubborn, admittedly and purposefully, about what she thinks of me and us. I can't stop over thinking things. I hate being too smart for my own good. It sucks that I'm only gonna get to see her very little over the next few weeks, but I guess it will be a good barometer of what is really going on.

VP's meeting today. It will probably determine what my real chances for the new job will be.

Friday golf, sleeping for 28 hours, then drunken BBQ Sunday and hopefully a chance to spend some time with the new girl Monday night.

Odd that she thinks like some of you

I am really diggin this whole maybe she is/maybe she isn't my "girlfriend" setup with the new girl. If nothing else she keeps me on my toes. I'm not going to lie and say that the number thing doesn't bother me a little, but its definately not a showstopper. Its all about going forward, not what got you there.

As stated above, I'm not sure if she's actually my girlfriend, or a girl I am seeing casually. I have spent 2 nights with her, and neither was anything more than PG13. I have not had any type of sex with her, which is somewhat suprising. As always, we'll see how it goes. We almost get along too well.

On a different note the job is basically mine, but they have to replace me first. I would love to get more money, but the job will be busy. I hope they take care of it soon so I can just get into the job and bettering my career.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Could be anything from drunk golf friday, drunk boating Saturday, drunk fireworks Sunday, and recover Monday, or sit on my ass and do nothing but relax. Any or all work for me.

I'm a little frightened

Things are actually going pretty well right now, and that scares the crap out of me. I'm not used to being happy.

I'm still working retarded long hours, and actually put in 12 hours again today. The new wrinkle is that I'm up for a big promotion now, which could also have a large pay raise. I'm well worth it (in my mind). I've been told flat out that I'm the only person in the plant that is even being considered. They want to replace the position within the next 2 weeks, which doesn't leave a lot of time for outside search. Now they just have to come up with the money so I'm making more than the people that would be working for me, especially if I'm going to be responsible for them too.

I also may have a girlfriend. The girl from the date last week and I have been talking daily and its going really well. She and I actually went out Thursday after bowling also, and she ended up staying at my place. We didn't actually do anything other than kiss. I'm really torn on how to approach this situation. I'm into her, she's into me. I'm overthinking everything already, and on account of that I'm hiding some of my insecurities in the situation, but my ability to read her is being diminished and I worry, some based upon her past. I don'tknow if I'm just a guy that may be added to her list or if she is really into me. I also don't want to be too pushy but also not too aloof. It sucks that I know so quickly if I'm into someone and can't tell where they are. It is probably a little early to get into too deep of a discussion on the situation, so I guess for now I'll just a wait and see how things go.

Happy is a bad word...

Date Night

It went really well and will be repeated (often if tonight was any indication). I can't stop smiling.

I think I have a date/What number is too high?

I think I have a date for tomorrow and Thursday. It all depends on both of our work schedules, well mostly mine. I'm kinda excited. Very nice girl. Very sweet. A lot more outgoing than myself (pretty much everyone is), but very interested in me. There was some competition that disappeared today, so I'm getting a full shot it would seem. Obviously for the 1 or 2 people that still check up on me, I'll keep you informed.

Now within that, how many is too many. I'm talking about the magic number. Through coversation (she is very open) it has come up that hers is between 20 and 30. A few years ago I would have had judgemental thoughts, but now I'm taking it as learning experience, as long as the person in question is healthy and safe. I'm still a little struck back by it, but it is what it is. The more I have thought about it, I truly think that the number doesn't matter. If you find the right one, and its something real, that is all that matters. I'm obviously not saying i'm there yet, but there is no reason to not give this a chance based on it.

My new goal in life is to be the best, and the last for someone special.

A new new try??

So, yeah, I'm pretty much done trying to figure if the bowling girl is into me or not. Too many mixed signals, and I'm just not having the energy, time, or desire to really figure it out. Friends and drinking buddys is fine with me.

Now for the new one. Again its a bowling connection. I stayed a little after our league a few weeks back because my teammate wanted to get all friendly like with two girls that had stopped in (I was actually hanging out with the original girl, but never mind that). So i wandered over to join in, cause I have my moments of being friendly, and let them make fun of me for being a little drunk, and smoking like a chimney. I managed to talk them into joining the summer league, so I figured thats that.

Flash forward 2 weeks, my teammate finds out they were not going to join, calls girl "C" looking for Girl "B". Girl "C" says they are not going to do this, excuse, excuse excuse. My teammate proceeds to ask her out, to which he gets a lukewarm mabye. Now this is a good guy, but he is definately a bit full of himself and likes all women if you know what I mean. Later in the day, I tell him to give me her number and I'll get them to join, cause for some reason I've hit one of those patches in life where I really have not self awareness about certain things. So I call her up, and magically She'll think about it, and call one of us back later. So about an hour later, my phone rings and she's all ready to join up (well, I had to make a few promises about her being on our team, buying a beer the first week, etc.), but we could not get her roommate to join. Now my teammate is a little annoyed cause his interest was in Girl "B", but he'll take what he thinks he can get.

So we proceed to bowl, I'm already on another team, but we put my old teammate with Girl "C" and another guy I work with. Throughout the night, he's throwing game, other guy and I are laughing, she finally blowing him off for the date, its all a little humorous to my drunk ass. Its at that point that it starts to dawn on me that she seems to be very into me. She called me back, wanted to join cause I asked, spent most of the night at the bar hanging out with me playing darts and pool, used me as a big boyfriend type hugging on me when the creepy stalker guy kept coming around. All in all not too bad a night, and then we spent the work day texting back and forth, and we are both working tomorrow so we're gonna do the nerd thing and keep each other busy with e-mails. She had plans tonight, and I couldn't go out with her anyway because of the roommate getting rejected for this evening, and tomorrow I really should spend the evening with my family since my brother graduated at 9:30 in the morning, but how long do I wait to ask her out. I'm kinda feeling like going really slow, but at the same time I had a really good time hanging out and would like to continue.

I really hate the fact that I hate people and it takes so much to get through that and make me be willing to give someone a chance.

Married Friend Update

We are now back in touch. Myspace has a way of bringing people together. For the one or two of you that may know my site, she is not on my friend list. She is on one of my friend's friend list, so its only kinda confusing. Anyway...

She's doing ok. Her husband is not doing so well. They are trying new meds, but he's become (in her words) "different". He yells, is angry, etc. I got the impression that he may have hit her once or twice, which I never accept unless a life is at stake, but for now I'll leave it be. They have had to claim bankruptcy due to his situation. He cannot work. All in all not that great, but she is staying positive. I ran into her and another friend today and talked for a while. It was good to see her, even if I did spend a portion of the time apologizing for getting us into the situation that strained her marriage. I'm not a bad person, just was in a bad place and made a bad choice to get involved, even if it was only minimal. Oh well, we're back in that friend zone, and its good to have it back whatever I can get of it. I wish them nothing but the best, and offered whatever I can do to help.

Trying to be nice and help friends does actually make me feel better, and makes it easier to keep my walls up. I'll keep smiling for a while longer.

After a really odd weekend...

...I'm actually ready to go back to work. I've realized that I force myself to work a lot more than needed becuase it prevents me from having to go back to living my real life. I've somehow managed to cut pretty much everyone that I cared for or cared for me out of my life now, but I'm actually somewhat ok with that. Its easier to not get hurt if you just don't let people in.

I'm suppose to go see the married friend tomorrow. Not sure if I'll go or not. I ended up being the cause of some drama and she has been going through a lot. I'm not sure I can offer the support and friendship I used to (see above) so I'm not sure I want to risk hurting her.

The "date" still hasn't happened. Starting to think it won't. Leaving it on her plate with minimal followup. It does make me a little mad, but I don't really have any feelings left other than anger/hate/selfpity, and those I hide deep away so I can still function.

I hate the fact that having someone to care about still means so much to me and I am so shut off from it. Something has to change...

It has passed

My moment of clarity is gone, and now I've gotten back into my black shell and I'm able to keep myself together for a while longer.

I don't like who I've become

You'll have to excuse me for a moment while I feel sorry for myself. I've been doing some soul searching. I don't like me. I'm cold and feel black inside. I've shut everyone out of my life, and the few people I start to try to let in I end up hurting or pushing away. I'm angry all the time. I hide behind mean humor. I miss feeling whole. I miss having people to talk to. I'm just tired of the way things are and don't feel any fix on the horizon.

Oh Good God

Ok, so I'm not gonna kill myself, but my work may. another 12 hour day. another group of VP's and directors coming to visit. I'm tired as hell, but not actually able to sleep. I'm still not sure about what is going on with the girl I'm talking to, but I'm also trying really hard to not be pushy or rushing anything. Its a little difficult with the lonely thing settling in while I'm working so much again. It would be nice to have somone to come home to, or at least to talk to anytime I just needed to blow off some steam. It seems like forever since I've had that. The roommate thing isn't better or worse, but also doesn't exactly help my state of being. At least the dog likes me, even if its only because I feed him.