Streak was broken

4 days, Thursday - Sunday, and then again on Wednesday. Never anything real, just more forced small talk and what has been going on with her. That and little things that really make me feel more isolated from her. I hope she is finding what she needs and remembers us...

On another note, stupid people really piss me off. Just a general statement, I like to share that one with anyone that will listen. And more often than not, that stupidity is rewarded in some way. Life just isn't fair.

3 in a row

Different medium, but third day in a row for a converstion, even if it was just idle small talk rather than what we need to talk about. Its a start. On another note, I've gottena ton done today. I had to go into work, but I feel like I got more done in 4 hours today than all week combined. I may have to make Saturday a more normal part of my work week (which really sucks ass). I also cleaned the apartment, cliped the dogs nails (he hates that and fought me the whole way), and did laundry. I have a few more chores to do tomorrow, but it is shaping up to be a relatively productive weekend.

2 Days in a row

She initiated a 20 minute or so text/IM converstaion today. Suprised the hell out of me, and I told her that. It was difficult, but again, she doesn't want to talk about us, just some small talk, but it was ok. I'm hoping that i'm correct and getting the vibe that she may be coming around and remembering why she loved me. I miss her horribly, holding her hand, walking in the park, making love, curling up in a blanket on a cool autum afternoon. Its always the small things that make life worth living. Here's to hoping things are starting to get back in the right direction.

She called me

I had written an e-mail that I inteded to send tomorrow, but i got a call out of the blue tonight and so I think I will hold off on sending it. She has been busy with her new job and appologized for not calling, saying it was more from being busy rather than from avoiding me. That made me feel a little better. She still will not talk about us, and got a little upset when she asked how i'd been and i told her about work and that i missed her, but I was being honest. We ended on an I love you, and she said that she does still love me, and she would call me again in a few days. We'll see if that holds up. I don't know how I feel right this second, but it was good to hear her voice.

Spam and Heartache?

What is wrong with people? I have gotten 4 comments (all deleted) since starting this, and all 4 have been spam. Seriousl, knock that shit off. Its annoying enough in my e-mail. I don't expect that anyone actually reads this, let alone would post comments, but thats just not right to post spam.

I had a very short IM conversation with the woman in question. She maintains that she is just not ready to talk to me about everything yet. I know the answers to most of the questions that I have, but I would like to hear her give them anyway, and fill in the blanks that I don't know. We will see how the next week goes.

Weekends Suck

I hate being semi-depressed. Weekends are suppose to be fun and looked forward to. I on the other hand hate them can't wait for work again. I am really a sad individual. I sent out my heart in an e-mail this morning to her and she read and has not responded and I do not know if she will. It kinda hurts, I was at least expecting some sort of acknowledgement and maybe appreciation. I guess its really what I expected though. We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes. Hope everyone else's is better than the start mine is getting off to.

On a somewhat related note

Today is 9/11, 4 years later. I can honestly state that 9/11 was very likely a start to my problems with her. Its sad that I am more interested in my personal issues than of remembering such tragedy. I remember how tied up in the devistation she was, and how concerned about a friend that went to Iran, and how I just wanted to move on. When all was said and done, we took some time apart shortly after this also. While it is not always on my mind, it will always be in my heart what happened that day. God bless our men and women in the services.

2 For 1?

I've started, now a quick story, and then we'll see how often I update. I do not know how specific, graphic or other I will end up getting. We'll just find out as I go.

I am in my mid-20s, college graduate (top 20 football in the midwest), and on the outside appear to have to all together. Not too long ago I thought I did. I was, and still am, making good money, moving around and gaining valuable experience. I was engaged to a wonderful, intellegent, loving, beautiful, woman, the kind that everyone dreams about. We were planning the wedding, I moved to be closer, and then everything went to hell. I've always known that she has issues from her past, but I never realized to what degree that they were unresolved. Couple that with my taking her for granted and just taking my usual silver lining view of things, and I've managed to push her away. As of today its been almost two weeks since we've talked, almost a month since I've seen her, almost 5 months since she wanted "space" and just short of a year since I've felt like a real part of her life. On top of all this, I've gotten jealous and managed to forget how much I trust her, which has caused more problems (and is why we haven't talked lately). She was my everything, I truly love her.

To explain the name, I do have a dog. A mutt actually, but he is one of the most well behaved and exceptional buddies I've ever met. He knows both my and his mom's moods well, and adapts to the need. He has gotten me through a lot of rough times by refusing to leave my side. He is my main source of therapy, and as much as I hurt to look at him (since she gave him to me), I would be completely lost without him.

So much for the introductions, I'll probably add more specifics over time. We'll just see.

Getting Started

This is a start to heal myself. It will end up being mostly rants and raves and complaining about why things are the way they are. I am newly single (I think), very hurt, and struggling to maintain my professional status while dealing with my personal life falling apart. As with many stories, it all stems from a girl. I was happy. I have a good job and a few close friends. The source of my pain stems from the fact that I had a wonderful girl, and was suppose to be married by now. She has lost herself, and me in the wake.