Walls Walls everywhere, I think I'll keep to myself

So I was having a discussion with a friend of mine the other day, and it came up that she thinks I am not any closer to truly being over the ex and moving on than I was 9 months ago. Not so much being hung up, but keeping myself shut off. The so called emotional "walls". I really couldn't respond with anything but a "uh, yeah well you are just a girl, leave me alone". I hadn't realy thought about it and put it together, but she is right. I'm much happier now, but I'm still very shut off to letting people get close to me. I'm very open, very honest, very much looking, but also not letting anyone get beyond the more or less superficial stuff.

How long is normal for this? It was eight years, but I'm happy, I'm happy for her, I'm happy for my friends, but even I can tell I'm emotionally distant. What the fuck is up with that?

Its too damn late to still be up

Its late. I can't sleep. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I have a big space next to me in my bed. Who wants to fill it?

Another big week coming up

I've been a little busy the last week. At least I get today to sit and relax and watch football. Now that I'm apparently the go to guy at my job, so when the new investors come in on Tuesday, I have been given the task of getting dressed up and being part of the presentation. Its both good and bad. I'm part of the showcase, what is going right and new business coming in, but at the same time, I have to speak in front of a group in a pretty important situation. I hate public speaking, though I do look good when I get dressed up.

A friend of mine will likely be coming to visit me in a week or two. We have not seen each other in a while (years). We have never dated, never hooked up, never nothing. We have been talking/texting/emailing a lot lately, and a lot of the conversations are toward the idea of maybe trying one or more of those things. We have both been single for a while, but neither are really sure of what to make of this situation. When she visits, she will be staying with me (I'll sleep on the couch of course).

So I give these options of plans:
1) Dinner and/or Movie
2) Walk the mall, talking and just catching up
3) Visit the zoo
4) Get a case/bottle of booze and lock ourselves in my room or a hotel room
5) Go to a bar and sit and relax with a few drinks
6) Other (if other, please specify)

Part 2, if things go well, do I:
1) Keep it completely and totally platonic
2) Keep it to hand holding
3) Cuddle on the couch/while sleeping
4) Just a light kiss
5) Full makeout
6) Try for more

I'm a bit conflicted with the whole situation. I'm better, but still not over the hurt inflicted by the ex. I do not want to end up hurting anyone and losing another friend because of that. I'm probably over thinking it, but oh well. Some thoughts and opinions are welcomed.

I have this huge smile on my face today

And no, its not cause I got laid, cause I didn't. What I did get was one of the VP's of my company giving me thanks and praise for my work on the last project, and support and expressing great expectations on my next one. I just felt the need to share.

Fun's over

I had a decent weekend, but the fun is over and its back to reality. I do have a working computer again, so thats a plus. I moved my office on Friday, so thats good. I'm still putting in about 12 hours a day through the week, and a few on the weekends, that sucks ass. I'm still the guy that everyone goes to, I'm still doing my old job, still doing my old old job. I'm getting kinda tired.

I got a call about 4:45 this morning. Married friend. Just calling to check in. We talked for about 40 minutes. Husband was in the emergency room for chest pains. They said it was nothing (unless his lung collapses), but will continue to be painful for a while. Still no word on his eye cancer (remission or back). he hasn't been able to get in due to work and stuff. As always, I offered whatever I can offer to her in order to help them out, and she will not accept it. Just the way we are.

My dog is gone again. Its cold here (I love the cold). I need to mow my lawn. Still need someone to take care of me. Still need to work on my laptop. Need to start working out again. Need to completely stop smoking (no more of this social bullshit). Need to keep smiling, and enjoy the ride.

I'm finally getting some real respect

Had to work this morning for a while, but it was more worth it than must days. Only 2 hours, and got my ass kissed for doing a great job coming up with a layout. I am finally being recognized for being the "go to guy". Now we will just have to see how they take care of me when the raisess/promotion come through in a few months.

After I left the office, hit the golf course for a charity event. Good times. They supplied the drinks and food, and I started off well with 4 beers in the first 6 holes. This is a lot for someone that doesn't drink much and had a very small breakfast and no lunch. I actually played better after getting a good buzz, but I did almost hit a guy, may have grazed his foot. We finished pretty well. I ended up cutting my drinking after 7, which sobered me up to drive for dinner and back home to take the fat dog out. Now I am tired and sitting watching football. Its actually been not a bad weekend.

I still got nothin

Well, actually I have my fat dog. He is asleep at my feet. I may actually get a good nights sleep tonight. Finally have someone to curl up with. How sad is that. I thought I might have plans this weekend. Golf, drinking, possibly something else, but it looks like its all going to fall through. Mostly on account of work, but other factors contribute.

On a side note, I need to get laid, have some fun, and feel loved. I've shortened the list of wants. Everyone have a great weekend.

Look at me, its Tuesday

I left work at 8PM tonight. I love my job.

Is anyone else as happy football is back as I am?

I got a new game tonight. Should I be embarrassed to enjoy Lego Star Wars?

I need a girlfriend.

The ex has actually been friendly, should I be wary?

Sleep? I got 5 good hours last night. Does it seem odd that that is a lot?

Jackass 2, doesn't get much better than that.

I got nothing

Remembering

Oddly enough, 9/11 is the anniversary of my first post. I remember what happened 5 years ago, and I remember what led me to start writing here 1 year ago. My heart and support goes out to those who have been affected by the tragedy, both intially and with the ongoing military efforts, and also to those who have offered me support, both in the blogging community and in life. Thank you to all.

I am really starting to get tired of this shit

Its 2:30 in the morning, and I'm wide fucking awake again. Sleeping pills, relaxation tapes, meditation, I've tried a lot of things, but nothing seems to get me to the point where I can just turn my mind off and get some truly restful sleep anymore. The last time I remember getting a good nights sleep was when a very close friend of mine crashed here and we curled up went straight off the dream land like that. Nothing happend, nothing needed to. It was the feeling have having someone that cared next to me. I really miss that. I don't entirely attribute my restlessness to that missing aspect of my life, but I'm sure it has something to do with it. I don't need sex. I don't need drugs. I don't need alcohol. I need to feel wanted/needed, and feel that connection. I need to feel love, be it from a lover or friend. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to be hurt. I see what people around me have, and wonder why I don't have that anymore. I am still very hurt from what happened between the ex and I, and disappointed in what life has offered me since then and some of the decisions I have made with those offerings. Even with this being the case, I refuse to just settle. I have felt the spark, that something that means everything twice in my life. I just want to feel it again, and have the courage to act upon it and start living again. I guess in the mean time I'll just get ready to kick off the football season properly tomorrow, and hope that I'm ready to go back to work on Monday.

But I never get sick...

What the fuck is going on. I am truly ill once again. I have been averaging 1-2 sick days a month for the last few. Seriously, what the fuck. This is the guy that didn't have a sick day from school between 6th grade and college graduation. 11 years. Now thats not to say that I didn't take a few days off here and there for vacations, hangovers, or sneaking off with the girlfriend, but I was never ill. Through my whole life, I never got the bugs and flus. If I ever got sick, I was in the hospital. I had the immunities from everything. Now I feel like I'm going to die every few weeks, and nothing out of the ordinary is wrong with me (I've been to the doctor).

With that being said, I am more than willing to attribute it to my lack of sleep, high level of stress, long hours, and lack of a woman. Lets add taking care of me to the job requirements. So ladies, I'm still waiting on a few more resumes...

Sitting at home again

I did better than I expected last night, I was the last one to buy back in, but I still came home empty handed. It was fun though, I enjoy the group, easy going, anything goes jokes wise, etc.

I am sitting at home sick today. I woke up around quarter til 4 this morning sick as hell and was up until close to 5. Not really sure what I got into, but it came with a 102 temp. I'm actually feeling better now, no longer nauseous, but still have a killer headache. And before anyone suggests a hangover, I only had 2 beers in 4 hours. No hangover here.

Because I am home sick today, I will need to go to work tomorrow. Its probably a good thing I don't have big plans for this weekend. At least it should be a shorter day tomorrow, and I always get more done on Saturdays. As long as I am home on Sunday for the first full day of football, I'm good.

Lick her in the front, poke her in the rear

I'm playing poker tonight. Probably losing my shirt. Texas hold'em. I'll do fine until I get a few drinks in me, so I may be back early. Not sure if I have any plans this weekend or if I will be splitting time between loving my couch and work. Here's hoping for good plans, but I still have work to catchup, so either way I get something accomplished.

I guess I should post something...

I got nothing much today. Back to work tomorrow. Sunday Cookout was fun, but I caused problems cause now more married women are crushing on me and making the husbands jealous. One even had a dream about me. She was drunk and said I was very good. Funny that, since I'm pretty much out of practice and theirs no way I could be in real life right now. I did end up a little drunk though, which was nice. I sobered up after a few hours, got really tired, and decided to head home. I also managed to be called gay repeatedly because I don't have a girlfriend. Aren't friends of friends fun.

So, as i said, back to work tomorrow. New program, new people, new path. It will be nice to get away from the current, even if the hours stay up to get caught up, the group is better and can actually get things done.

I still need a good woman. On one hand I'm kinda thinking a booty call would be ok, but those usually go bad cause someone gets attached. Not wanting to hurt anyone, so I'll stay picky and keep to myself.

Hopefully later this week i'll have something better to say, or some more random questions, or steal a list from someone. Hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend.

I may have a full yard soon

The work is done, my back is killing me, and hopefully in a few weeks I'll see some grass. Then I can get a fence, then get my dogs, then build a deck, then have guests to enjoy my house. Its a large task, but eventually it will all get done.

I got to spend some time with my puppies while doing the yard work. One acts like he's about ready to drop dead (only 4 yrs old), the other like she is just a new born (almost 2 yrs old). They offset each other, but the young one doesn't play well with cats, so I may not be able to get her back any time soon since my roomate has a cat.

Still no word on married friend's husband. I'm hoping to hear from her after the weekend, but who knows. He doesn't much care for me (understandable) and neither her or I want to cause problems, so I take what I can get and pray for the best and her happiness.

I'm greatly enjoying my day on the couch. I've needed a few days like this for a long time. Still not sleeping, but I just need a little relaxation and stress reliever. Who wants to sign up for the job...

If it is nice tomorrow, cookout and heavy drinking. Probably shooting at a coworker with a potato gun also. Good times, good times.