3's a crowd

So a quick update...

Girl 1: former fiance. haven't spoken since before christmas. minor text message discussions that made me think she may have reconsidered. completely trashed when brought up on a day that used to be very important to us. i had a missed call/message today where it appeared to be a mistake call, but that means that my number is still on her speed dial. not sure how to deal with this.

Girl 2: close friend from highschool. when we talk its daily, but those times are come and go based upon our personal lives. we dated briefly, had a really good time, but crossed some friendship lines so things are very strained and she is not looking for anything and does not think that I should be at this time. She does not want to be a rebound (which I totally understand).

Girl 3: new girl. someone that I work with. very attractive. very new. I may have a date this weekend. she is obviously very interested in me. not sure how i should address this. I have the option of just having fun, with the risk of having things go bad and rumors spread around work, or i can take it too slow, and again risk the same problems. the real problem is that since i have gotten to know her a little, i find her to be very interesting and i think i would really like to find out more.

I can't complain, but I really feel like I should. I have not idea about how to go forward with any of this, and i'm so worried that no matter what I do I will end up upset. Oh well, thats my life i guess...

I'm messed up again.

Why do girls play games and why can't they just figure out what they want and need and express it? The original girl responded finally with an apology for not calling but she had a "busy week and weekend". What the fark is that? I jokingly asked where she slept, and she got mad and said I was rude. Knowing what I do at this point, I'm torn between her actually being bothered that I asked, or if she actually stayed somewhere she shouldn't have and feels bad about it. This girl drives me fucking nuts, but I still love her and want to spend my life with her. Why the fuck is my life revolving around someone that doesn't know if she wants me?

New girl still isn't talking to me. Its too bad, she is/was very special to me too. I really feel bad that I screwed everything up with New Year's behavior, but we did have a good time. If I were over girl one I would totally be into this girl, but I'm not, and I really don't want to hurt her and lose our friendship.

Girl 3 is an old friend that I used to go to when I had problems. She won't talk to me now. I left a message yesterday with what I can only assume is her live-in boyfriend, so I probably caused problems there too. My life used to be so much less complicated. This just really sucks. I never thought I'd be glad to go to work to avoid dealing with my personal life.

I broke down again

I was nearly put in the hospital just before Christmas for physical and mental exhaustion. It was the day that I got my "help" realizing what needed to happen between myself and the original girl. Just kinda pushed me over the edge. I am still not sleeping, and still moderatly to deeply depressed. I have realized that I buried myself in work (and still do) in order to mask the pain, or at least take my mind off it.

The friend from New Years is not talking to me either. I really screwed that one up, no pun inteneded. The thing that really sucks is that I really do like her, and could very easily see myself with her for a long time, but I'm in no place to get in a relationship, and we both know that. She will not even talk to me due to the awkwardness that comes with our new years kiss and my revalation that I had some interest in more than just friends. I actually pissed her off with my lack of giving her space (seems to be a theme with women and me) when I asked to visit over the 3 day weekend I have.

I have since broken down and tried to at least say hi to the original. She responded and is "out with friends" but will talk later/tomorrow. I told her not to make promises, she responded with a remark that could be taken to be pissy or just laughing at me (damn text messages with no emotion). I know I should not dwell on us, but its so damn hard to let go, especially since she has made a few comments/life changes that very direction point towards a good posibility of revisiting us. I should really just go play in traffic and quit beating myself up. Women suck, nothing but mind games....

I am so screwed

I have finally come to the understanding of what I need to do for the girl. Space, space, and more space. She is lost in her own life and needs to figure it out before she can figure us out. She hurt me very badly in order to "help" me to finally realize this, but this is where I am none the less.

That being said, its been a few weeks since I've seen or actually spoken to her. she keeps sending comments about being sorry, which I'm sure that she is, but we need time apart to heal individually. In the mean time, I am talking to an old friend, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do find her attractive. She was my New Year's date. I do not want to hurt her, and yet I will if I truly pursue anything since it will be comparing her to the girl, and no matter what I say, I haven't given up on fixing that relationship. I have probably already ruined our friendship by kissing her on New Year's, but it seemed like the right thing at the time. Is it bad that I'm more worried about making sure that I can still attempt to fix the orignal relationship potentially at the cost of a dear friend? I know the answer and I hate myself for it. I am so totally screwed.