Fucking Monday Fucking Night Fucking Football

Some of you may know that I lost a bet. I cannot honestly say that I would have paid up, but fuck, I thought I had a good shot at bragging rights. Laid a big fucking egg they did.

Happy Halloween. Dog doesn't like people ringing the doorbell. Scares the hell out of him and he puffs up like he's mean and runs to hide in the corner.

Work is going to blow up very shortly due to short sighted people with no business running a corporation. I really fucking hate stupid people.

I seem to be sleeping more, but its so fucking restless, and its damn near impossible to wake up in the morning.

I need a smart, beautiful woman that I can spend some time on.

For the nerds out there, Final Fantasy XII came out on PS2 today. My roommate picked up our copies at 12:01 AM. Fucker took the day off to stay home and play. I need to take a few more "sick" days, but I'd rather stay in bed with the woman from the above statement :)

Happy Wednesday Y'all

Sorry for the delay

I've been having issues recovering from my half week on 3rd shift. While I enjoyed the peace and quiet, and the fact that I got a ton of work done, it was still just too damn much free time to think. I was also reminded repeatedly this week about how alone I am. I find myself struggling not to slip back into the unhappiness that was my depression over the last year. I even got a call from the ex while I was sleeping, but no response to my e-mail. Before anyone asks, I don't call cause its just not worth the potential problems for her or I.

I will be pushing the new job thing again. I'm just tired of what I'm doing. Maybe a new/fresh start will help to jump start my life again. I'm generally happy other than being alone. I just want a beautiful woman that loves me to come home to. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

Enough bitching, the dog is doing better. Still somewhat anti-social, but he is like his dad, so its ok. He has his moments now, usually around dinner time or when he goes out in the morning. He is all that has been keeping me sane lately, so its good to have him. Time will bring it all back together, but right now still sucks. Onto another work week.

Off to work

I'm leaving shortly for work. I should be back around 9:30 tomorrow morning. I hate stupid shit like going in to cover 3rd shift. I thought that was why I had the degree and the job title that should be working regular hours. I need a push. Someone push me to a new life. New job, new woman, new location, whatever it takes to get me over this funk that I call a life.

More of that wonderful fun called life

Lets see how things have gone so far...

My tickets to the game on Sunday are being taken back because I was given the wrong set. I now "in theory" have a seat at the game Thanksgiving weekend.

I now have to work 3rd shift for the majority of next week. That means that my week starts Sunday night at 10:15, work til 8AM, rinse, repeat. Not to mention that I have a conference call Wednesday morning from 8AM to noon, so I have 14 hours minimum, not including drive time.

The dog is being a shit and won't be friendly to anyone but me, and only me when he wants something (food, toy, attention, go out).

Still no real love interest, still minimal local options, still hurting friends that want to be more.

Life is beautiful. I think I will go get drunk and watch St. Louis take care of the special education team that somehow made it into the World Series.

So I've been thinking again

I know, scary shit, but I gotta put this out there. I bitch about my life a lot on here, and a co-worker recently told me very bluntly that I need to get over it and just go forward, that I have the "world by the balls and just need to take advantage of it". So here is the issue in my head...

I have lived a relatively easy life. My parents are still married. They never got into fights. I was never molested, never had the negative things happen to me while growing up. The worst things that has happened to me was a breakup, and I couldn't handle it becuase I did not know how to deal, in no small part due to the fact that I didn't have to work through issues growing up. Why do I feel like I missed out or do not fit in because I do not have those issues in my background? I lived what should be considered a "normal" life, and yet I feel like the minority. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I didn't, but does it make me a little odd to feel like I'm not normal on account of this?

Let the old jokes begin

I hurt my back. I'm moving very gingerly, and actually had to call in and stay home today rather than going to work. I'm less than happy about this, and I don't even have a nice girl to massage out the strain.

On a much better note, I am once again with dog. The fat white one is living with me again for the time being until work kills me again and I can't properly take care of him and need to send him to my parents for a while again. He has become antisocial other than when begging, but he still curls up next to me at night, so I'm happy to have him. Now if only he could do back massages...

I'm oddly quiet

I've momentarily lost the desire to bitch and moan about how pitiful my life is.

I'm working my ass off, I'm not sleeping, I'm still thinking of things that I can't seem to let go of.

Hey, would you look at that, I've found it again.

I am having more fun, I've met some new friends, I'm making good money, and even with being a smart ass people seem to like me.

I seem to be able to bitch about that also. I need some new material. Maybe next week I'll have something better and more meaningful to talk about.

So its been a while

I was recently reminded that I haven't posted in a while. Its not so much that i've been super busy or anything too new going on. Mostly I'm just being lazy lately. I'm still very guarded. Still not really getting out much. There are a few new people in my life, but not so much going on in a sense of overcomming the walls. I am trying to go home and one of my dogs this weekend, possibly get a new car or truck. Just got a bug and there are good end of model year deals.

I still think about the ex a lot, and also the women that have come into my life since her. Ones i've hurt, ones i've helped, ones that will remember me, for both good and bad. I do not know if or when I will actually let go of her. I have all but decided that I am just not cut out to be truly happy right now. I'm content in that in my little rut. It sucks, but its my life. I'll just sit in my chair, enjoy the unconditional love of my dog, and smile while thinking it can always be worse.

69 (heh heh, he said 69)

Post 69, who wants to be the ying for my yang?

It was recently asked of me what I would do if the ex decided that she had made a mistake and wanted another chance, what would i do? While it was technically a grey area, in black and white terms she cheated on me. I have had some wonderful dates since then, but I still have very firm walls built up to keep me from getting close to anyone emotionally. We were a bit younger, had a lot of stupid problems, and both were too concerned with figuring out our own lives to deal with each other. We don't have kids. We don't have shared property. We still get along. I've been mulling it over in my mind since the question was posed. I honestly don't know what I would do, short of being skeptical of what she really wanted. Do we forgive and forget? Would it be worth giving her another chance? I highly doubt it will ever come up, but opinions? (obviously there is more to what happened, and I can fill in blanks if necessary, informed decisions are the best).

You blow me and I'll owe you one

Post #68

I didn't sleep much this weekend. Had a friend in town Friday, we stayed up too late doing not much of anything (i'm such a boring person). Up at 7. Saturday I stayed up later (video games, how sad am I), and I was up at 8 this morning. Now I'm just waiting for work tomorrow. I need a vacation. Who wants to take a trip.