I'm trying

I did the ignore and have fun thing for a large part of the night. Its not my thing. I always throw myself fully into anything I'm doing. I hate myself for it. I'm lonely. I don't want to take my time if there is some connection. I'm sure at least one of you know that read me knows that and understand. Oh well. I just need to relax. Its all I can do. I need a vacation, but more realistically, I need a major change.

Starting something new

I have a lot going on. I can't seem to figure any of it out, but I'm putting on a pretty damn good show and confusing the hell out of people that thought I was gonna fail.

I'm only a few days into my new job, and I'm just wowing everyone. New plant manager loves me. My boss loves me. Even my former co-workers that now work for me love me. I'm probably gonna be fine on that front, especially without a lot of outside of work stuff going on.

The girl is a similar though different story. I've completely changed my thought process about girls in general, though I don't know how long it will last. I'm still mad and don't really understand why she has shut herself off from any type of "relationship", but it is what it is. I'm cool with it (as much as I can be). She has been honest with me, we have worked out the gray areas, she isn't sleeping with anyone else, so I'm gonna do the casual thing, friends with minor benefits (not having sex). I think I can handle it, I've done it before. If someone else comes up, I am open to dating others.

The bottom line, I'm not looking for a jump in relationship now. I'm going to try to just enjoy myself and let life be whatever it is. As nice as it would be to have someone special and have the occational sex, I'm just not in the best of mindsets when I try to hurry into relationship status. If something physical happens with anyone, its just enjoying life, as long as I don't let myself down in my morals. No one-nighters, but I don't have to have a relationship to have fun or be validated. I just need people that like me for me around, and I'm starting to get a few of those which is making things generally easier for me.

Well now I understand at least (updated)

I talked to the girl for over an hour tonight and things are much clearer.

She still likes me. She has stated to me before that she didn't want a relationship. I took it as "right now I don't want to rush in". It was actually more based in the fact that she doesn't know if she will even be around past October and doesn't want to get into something that may cause issues for her like that. She is young and just wanting to have fun. She hasn't slept with anyone since we started talking, but she backed off because she knew I was wanting something more than she was willing right now. I'll admit it, you were all right.

Things will be ok I guess. We talked through things. There are no questions about where we stand and what may or may not be. Timing is just really fucking bad. I seem to have that issue with all the women that come into my life.

She has been frustrated because I kept trying to make it have to be something. She sees my side of everything, I see hers. She just wants me to relax and be her friend and if something happens it happens. I have to be ok with it. I do still like her and love spending time with her. We'll see how long I can keep it at that and not cause myself or her any more headaches.

If nothing else, I understand and can deal without overthinking and wondering and worrying.

**I'm much more comfortable for the time being with the situation with the girl, and I also officially got my promotion today, raise included. We'll see how long this better streak goes, but I'm gonna ride it while I can and try to be happy.

Thanks

I've gotten about 10 hours of sleep in the last 4 days. I was hungover as all hell on Friday after my horrible Thursday night. I can't belive that I'm actually standing still.

I got hurt the other night by a little girl that needs to grow up and stop playing games. Its not gonna happen overnight, and realistically its not gonna happen with me in the picture. We are suppose to talk tonight or tomorrow about what happened and what, if anything, do we do from here.

Thank you for supporting my side and validating that I'm right to be pissed off. I'm just to fucking nice for my own good and always try to see good in people that get through my walls, and ignore faults.

We will see what happens if anything.

I'm really fucking hurt

I don't think there is anything more with the girl in question, but I'm not sure. I'm too fucking nice for my own good. I'm suppose to get a call to discuss our stance, but I'm not expecting it and she hurt me really badly last night. I've known that its not at an exclusive thing, and that she is seeing other people. I'm understanding of that. What i'm not understanding of is her getting cozy with some asshole red neck that is in our bowling league also while we were at the bar after the league. I got pissed off obviously. She looked upset. There are other things that have come up with regards to the seeing other things (no sex, but other things). I'm just tired of the games, and that will be the discussion that we have when we finally do talk again. Her parents are in town tonight for her Mom's birthday, and they are all going to Cincy tomorrow to celebrate, so I'm expecting to not actually hear from her.

I just can't be mean or angry at people I like. I always make excuses for them. Back to working 80+ hours a week to burry myself and not have to live. I was unhappy but at least I didn't get hurt.

Alone Alone Alone (edited)

I'm really fucking alone and I feel it so very much on weekends.

I've only met a few girls over the last year and a half (since the ex and I ended) that I actually had interest in as more than just a sex thing. Its actually 3 of the 5 that I've gone out with, but for whatever reason every one has a reason to hurry up and brush me aside. Now don't get me wrong, the first 2 have had great reasons (married, distance), but the current is still just a mystery. I try not to dwell in my real life, but when i'm alone, and remember that i'm alone, it really fucks with me mentally. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't seem to keep anyone's attention for more than a week or two anymore. I know i am just feeling sorry for myself, and I also know that I'm not this transparent in real life, but I also know that its starting to wear on my to keep a front up and its part of why the current is so completely a loss to me.

I try too hard. I want a feeling that I had once before.

I'm emotionally broken. The stupidest things cause me to just feel alone and on edge and hurting and missing. I hate it.

I just want to be alone and with people all at the same time.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

I believe in sex because you genuinely like someone, not just for the sake of sex.

I'm pessimistic, and impatient.

I can't just let go.

I'm not pushing anymore. I'm just going through life. Maybe it will help me with the current confusion or let me just do the friend thing and stop trying for more.

I need another dog....

*i'm tired of cracking like I seem to every weekend. It is that type of thing that caused me to start working so much to begin with, and now that I start to back off on the work thing just a bit and the fact that I am alone jumps right back up. Its no wonder I try so hard and throw myself into things so fully. Everything in my life is all or nothing.

I'm not done with the girl, but I'm leaving it lie until she lets me try again. I've scared her a bit with my all in mindset. She is still into me, but noticably not as much as she was. I'm a bit out of touch with dating these days. It sucks, cause we did click, things seemed like it could have been something if I wasn't a retard when it comes to women.

I probably need therapy. I've had it pointed out to me that I'm not happy with myself. I don't think I'm gonna go that way, but it is taking too long for my personal changes to take place. We'll see if I ever get there.

I do want another dog. I need something to love me :)

God I hate girls

I'm trying too hard... I haven't shot myself and ruined it all, but god damnit girls are hard to read. The comment that she made that I'm not the only one that thinks so also really messes with me mind. Other guy, random friend, other, not sure what the fuck is going on. But, at least i'm not killing myself trying like I was. She did respond well to that. We'll see. I still guess that the tell will be when she gets back from Florida, but I also am fully realizing that the best I can probably hope for is a friends with benefits thing, which I can deal with for a while, but we'll see. I do need to get laid kinda bad, but I'm just not the kind of guy that normally does that kind of thing knowing that it is just a sex thing. I'm a little buzzed, but mostly just wishing I wan't alone.

Another lovely weekend

Friday late night at work, Saturday early day into work, 10 hours. I went to a movie by myself Saturday night, and then went to the bar by myself just to relax and get out of the house. not drinking to get drunk, just drinking to get out.

No dates, but I'm finally at a point that I've figured the girl out. She really likes me, its actually quite obvious, but I'm trying too hard. The fact that she hasn't run away and still talks to me most days and e-mails me back and forth every day she works seems to show that I haven't completely screwed up, plus the fact that she told me she wants to go out again but I need to just relax a bit on everything and just let things happen (you guys are all right, I know, I'm sorry, I'm an idiot). I think if I can just stick to the plan this time and not get caught up, I may actually be able to enjoy myself a little again, possibly get laid, and maybe if this continues, work myself into an actual boyfriend status.

Work is still also in limbo. I have been approved for the promotion, but not actually approved for the raise. Also, the status of the plant is hopefully going to be decided in the next week or so. Good times, maybe I can just get the raise and take that to a new company and get another.

This will be my hell week. Fun stuff, i'll probably put in 100 hours if i work all the days, but if I do well on Wednesday I'm gonna find a way to take Friday off and drink heavily to relax Thursday night. Wish me luck.

To all, have a good week.

Good God I'm tired

The night out ended up being last night. My roommate got stupid drunk. The girl frustrated me more. Work pissed me off. I got to play sober after I got to the bar. Stayed until after 2 and had to be at work at 7. I'm hurting a little bit.

I'm generally in a weird mood.

I had a kinda talk with the girl last night as she was leaving. She and I have had some "kinda" discussions about what she wants of me or us. It keeps going back to the fact that she likes me, but she makes off the cuff comments about not really wanting a guy. She jokes about wanting "guys". I basically left it to her that I really like her, she seemed to like me but I can't read her anymore, and that if she doesn't really want the "boyfriend" type of dating that I'm cool with it while she figures out what she wants. I could see in her eyes that she generally likes me but is completely clueless of what she really wants. I jokingly offered to be whatever type of hookup she wants, which got a smile, especially since she commented that she couldn't come home with me last night after I promised to behave because "it only works if both behave". God I hate the inbetween casual dating/hook ups and actually dating. Either way, its pretty much in her court, but I'm still gonna be friendly and see if we can do something this weekend, even if its not a real date expectation.

Speaking of which, I've had 7-8 people ask me if we were dating in the last 24 hours, as well as 2 people telling me I'm out of my league in the last week. Everyone seems to see it between us, but she is still holding back. Of the 7-8, 5 are at the concert with her tonight. My only response was that we had gone out, I like her, but I don't know. I'm kinda wondering if its gonna come up at some point...

I've been contacted by one of my friends from corporate that one of our vendors was asking about me now also. This is a very cute girl with a lot of good comments coming from my friends up north. I had actually asked about getting together with the vendor and corporate friend the last time they were down and it wasn't able to work out. She was asking about my job, where I live, what kind of person I am, why I still do what I do and don't go somewhere else and things of that nature. Of course my friend put in all kinds of good about me, and is trying to set up a vendor visit in a few weeks. We'll see how that goes and if I know anything more on the current "girl" front by that point. If nothing is changed, at least I wouldn't really have to feel bad at all if I did hook up with her.

Work is getting really long again. I'm spending way too much time there, but its actually necessary for the next month or so. I'm actually having some of the promotion's workload dropped on me already, but no pay raise. This will only continue for a short while before I just stop doing it unti I get paid and my replacement.

Life goes on, and I'm trying to keep smiling

Me and my headaches

I'm up to 150 posts now. Most of them have been bitching and whining. I'm very tired of being alone, but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. It will be a long road, but what else do I have to do. I've already either screwed up or caused someone I liked to lose interest. I'm on the verge of being without a job once again (I'll know in about a week for sure). If I can get through this next 24 hours or so, I'm pushing for a little bit of a change.

To the girl, I'm gonna at least find out if she is flighty or just not interested anymore so I can at least go back to having fun hanging out with her and not wondering. I know that I get caught up quickly the few times I have a connection with someone, and I hope she will understand it too and not think poorly of me. The fact that I'm trying to not screw this up and attempting to keep from getting too much into that (with her at least, though I know I obsess slightly on here) is one of the reasons I have such stupid things happen to me. I'm tired of being alone, but I'm scared that I will not have the response that I hope for.

To the job, I'm gonna put in for the one real lead I have and put in my self up for it. I'm tired of dealing with the petty bullshit, but I'm scared to move on to something else. They always say its greener on the other side, but that doesn't mean its always the way to go.

To the family, I'm gonna start to think about making an effort to stop avoiding them. I'm tired of their bullshit, but they are still family.

To the friends....Fuck it, I don't have close friends to worry about anymore.

To religion...I'm not ready to find any god or higher calling.

To everyone and everything else, its time to just let go. Lets see how it goes.

I'm sure I'll have a few more break downs, changing an attitude is not easy and I don't expect it to shift completely soon, but it really is time to try and find my little place in the world and try to get a little more happy.

Thinking Thinking Thinking

I can't seem to stop thinking about everything thats going on in my life and that I have no control over so I just worry and wonder and make myself feel like I'm lost.

They put in for my promotion on Friday. It could be weeks before they hear back if the money is accepted by corporate. Hell, knowing how bad our HR department is, they probably haven't even actually sent it in (quote from my boss). I spent all day today working and thats the thanks I get. Wait and think and wonder and wait.

The girl is absolutely killing me. She ended up staying in town until early Friday morning. I ended up way too fucking drunk Thursday night and made an ass of myself trying to get her to stay with me. I wasn't even trying to get laid, just wanted to spend some more time with her. She spent the day Thursday picking on me since she knows that I like her and that she likes me but not to what extent. Her exact words after making one of many comments meant to make me wonder and get jealous was "you're too easy". I appologized for getting drunk and obnoxious in a voice mail since she didn't answer after telling me to call when I got off work, so now I get to wait and think and wonder and wait again.

The status of my plant will not know been until next week at the earliest. Another wait and think and wonder and wait situation.

Both of my roommates are likely moving out. One moving with a new job, the other moving in with the girlfriend that I dislike. Wait, think, wonder, wait.

God I'm tired of this shit. Its no wonder I have been drinking more lately.

*Before anyone gives me the "don't think so much and just live" line, I'm trying. I'm too fucking smart for my own good. With everything in my life, I think, then I think some more. I don't like to be completely out of control in the important aspects of my life. Yes, I am lonely, yes, I need a good girl(friend), yes I'm scared to death that I may be unemployeed, yes I'm scared I will fail in my new job (if I get it), but its thinking about everything, and then thinking about it some more and running possibilities through my head that has made me who I am. For those of you that know me beyond that blog, you know better than I if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but either way, its me.*

**edit #2. I've been doing some more thinking about why I'm thinking so much. This girl has really gotten into my head and through my defenses way to fucking fast and its scared the shit out of me. I'm so completely worried about getting hurt again that I just can't stand that I've let myself let someone start to get in, and she is having fun tormenting me because of it (or she's just generally evil, yet to be determined). STOP THINKING!!!!**

***Edit #3. I just can't stop myself. With as badly as I've been hurt (a number of times now) its just downright amazing that I continue to do the same thing to myself over and over again and open up to let anyone in at all. I'm really tired about being alone, unhappy, and generally not enjoying much of anything in my life, so I keep leaving myself opened up just enough to let someone get to where I can get hurt badly. No one that sees me daily has any idea of how comepletely broken I still am...***