Alone Alone Alone (edited)

I'm really fucking alone and I feel it so very much on weekends.

I've only met a few girls over the last year and a half (since the ex and I ended) that I actually had interest in as more than just a sex thing. Its actually 3 of the 5 that I've gone out with, but for whatever reason every one has a reason to hurry up and brush me aside. Now don't get me wrong, the first 2 have had great reasons (married, distance), but the current is still just a mystery. I try not to dwell in my real life, but when i'm alone, and remember that i'm alone, it really fucks with me mentally. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't seem to keep anyone's attention for more than a week or two anymore. I know i am just feeling sorry for myself, and I also know that I'm not this transparent in real life, but I also know that its starting to wear on my to keep a front up and its part of why the current is so completely a loss to me.

I try too hard. I want a feeling that I had once before.

I'm emotionally broken. The stupidest things cause me to just feel alone and on edge and hurting and missing. I hate it.

I just want to be alone and with people all at the same time.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

I believe in sex because you genuinely like someone, not just for the sake of sex.

I'm pessimistic, and impatient.

I can't just let go.

I'm not pushing anymore. I'm just going through life. Maybe it will help me with the current confusion or let me just do the friend thing and stop trying for more.

I need another dog....

*i'm tired of cracking like I seem to every weekend. It is that type of thing that caused me to start working so much to begin with, and now that I start to back off on the work thing just a bit and the fact that I am alone jumps right back up. Its no wonder I try so hard and throw myself into things so fully. Everything in my life is all or nothing.

I'm not done with the girl, but I'm leaving it lie until she lets me try again. I've scared her a bit with my all in mindset. She is still into me, but noticably not as much as she was. I'm a bit out of touch with dating these days. It sucks, cause we did click, things seemed like it could have been something if I wasn't a retard when it comes to women.

I probably need therapy. I've had it pointed out to me that I'm not happy with myself. I don't think I'm gonna go that way, but it is taking too long for my personal changes to take place. We'll see if I ever get there.

I do want another dog. I need something to love me :)